Martha Does it again! And Weekly One Minute Dance (Strut/ Crawl) Party

Am finally catching my breath after last week's Thanksgiving marathon. Had never roasted a turkey before so we decided to have practice Thanksgiving last Monday night so I could try out my new recipes and attempt to cook a large bird for a few friends. It was definitely a learning experience.
I was not at all prepared for the waterfall of blood and turkey juices that gushed out as I removed her wrapper, or the nastiness I'd find tucked inside our pretty little lady. For some reason, I was under the impression that giblets and necks came in a tidy little bag tied neatly with a bow. Not the case apparently. But she gave her life for us, and so I will attempt to make soup out of her spare body parts, and I am thankful that when cooked, she came out beautifully. And so did her sister a few days later... I made a second feast for Mom's visit on the official day. I'll get around to posting my recipes on that food blog I occasionally update. But in the meantime, if you're going to buy a turkey, go find yourself a fresh Diestel one. They were definitely worth all the hype. (And are cheaper at Siesel's / Iowa Meat Farms than Whole Foods)

But I digress. The real reason for my post is to share another one of Martha's gems that arrived in my inbox last week. In case you were wondering how to dress the baby for Thanksgiving. Or needed a centerpiece.

If you missed my last Martha costume post, click here... Oh Martha


Hope you all had fabulous meals with friends and family. And did not eat your children.

Also wanted to thank SYTYCD, which I have gotten sucked into this season for using one of my favorite songs from earlier in the year. It's a great chick anthem by Melanie Fiona, Give It To Me Right. So click play and get up and dance. Or in this case, strut sultrily, and perhaps crawl. It's good for the soul. And the video makes me look forward to heading back to NYC next week.

Mental Jukebox (aka Jootbox) - Songs from Commercials

I seem to be in a super musical mood today, with a few recent commercials songs stuck in my head. Which is probably what they were trying to accomplish. But I had to google them to find out what the actual products were. So I guess the mission wasn't all that accomplished. But they've got my attention now, and I will attempt to get them stuck in your head as well.

A mellow song to sway to while doing dishes, from the Dove commercial...Wash Away by Joe Purdy. "Lost" fans may recognize this from last year. I think this would be a shoe-in for the potentially upcoming CD "Music for your Baptism Party".



And now, for the slightly vintage / modern rock sounding, get up off your butt and dance for a minute song for this week, which I learned is not called "Falling"...Here is "1901" by Phoenix. Get out your best Sprockets-like dance moves folks. It's in the recent Cadillac Crossover commercial. Here is a live studio version from some radio station.



Which reminded me of Bloc Party so I had to put this one up too in case you feel like continuing your dance party at a slightly faster pace. This amazing live clip is from a Bristol show and the energy and rawness of it made me feel like I was there. I recommend spinning in circles until you fall down. Trust me, it feels great.
Warning for those at work: I can't make it through this one without jumping up and dancing.
So press play at your own risk. Or convince your coworkers to get up and dance with you. How cool would it be to walk into the DMV and see them all gettin down for a minute?!



As I was lying on the floor recovering from circle spinning, I had a flashback to high school and my then favorite circle spinning song...Just Like Heaven by the Cure. Enjoy!

Stop! Hammer Time! Courtesy of BCBG

I came across this gem today while doing some indian summer cleaning. Apologies to the fashionista crowd for being a season behind. I'm an excellent procrastinator.
The BCBG Max Azaria outlet store in Carlsbad has recently made its way to the top of my heavy rotation shopping route, and when I got their summer / fall catalogue, I was excited to see what I would find on the racks there in a few months. Once they made clearance prices, of course.

And so I anxiously thumbed through the pages and saw...
Photo 1 - ooh, cute dress, very nice, have to try that on. would make the girls look good.
Photo 2 - not so me, but cute pieces. dig the bag.
Photo 3- stopped breathing. good lord. oops i crapped my pants pants! Are you serious BCBG? MC Hammer must be filing lawsuits like crazy because I think, if anyone, he's got the patent on these contraptions. although maybe not the cropped version. It also kind of looks like she might have put her shirt on her legs. Hmmm.

(Click photo to enlarge, then back on your browser)



I have a feeling I am going to see heaps of these in the outlet store come November. Let me know if you want me to pick you up a pair or three. They're available in a variety of practical colors. Only $158 / pair. But I can probably grab them for $19 at the outlets.

Oh Martha, what have you done? Presenting the Baby Lobster Costume

This is my favorite email from the inbox this AM.
From the title, I thought there was some definite cute potential.
And then I looked at the photo.


Am I the only one who thinks there is something a bit wrong with this?



Scroll down






Ready?



Just in time for Your Labor Day Low Country Boil Party!








He's on a friggin platter!
With condiments and garnish.


I am really hoping that we don't see headlines in the next few months about some redneck that boils his baby in a lobster costume.

But good thing there's still plenty of time to get all that sewing done before Halloween. Looks like I'll finally be ready for those human sacrifices I think about making every autumn, but always seem to put off.

Courtesy of Martha Stewart Craft of the Day. Which I am not sure why I get, but may not be unsubscribing from in the near future if it continues to provide this much entertainment.

Lobster Costume How-To

What we learned at Disneyland

1) Unfortunately, the parking garage does not accept magic, love, and / or Disney spirit as payment.

2) There is no alcohol sold within the park. (*** exception below)
There *are* several eating / drinking establishments with deceptively misleading names like The Mint Julep Bar and Refreshment Corner. But don’t waste your time sprinting to them for an early happy hour. Unless you want some juice or a Coke.

3) Fat people carts, fka The Jazzy, are now being referred to as “Electronic Convenience Vehicles” (ECVs). For those of you with legitimate non weight-related medical issues, and the elderly, ride away. To the rest of you, please consider walking.

4) Johnny Depp is even stunningly hot as a mechanical fake pirate figure. I almost fell out of the Pirates of the Caribbean boat several times turning around to ogle him. (No photo available. I was so starstruck I forgot about my cameraphone)



5) It is a children’s park.
This means, among other things, that Uncle Walt and staff will not allow you to purchase a photo of you and your friends on a ride if someone is performing a “boob grab” (Official Disney Terminology. I kid you not). They will, however, send a nice patient manager out to give their inflexible inappropriate photo policy spiel, and you will be kindly escorted back to the ride (ironically, to the front of the line, with the fat people waiting on their ECVs,) to re-ride and attempt a more Disney friendly retake.
So for all you boob grabbers…take a photo of your photo when it appears up on the wall at the end of the ride. We are kicking ourselves for not doing this.

6) When riding the carousel, they *will* yell at you over the loudspeaker if you start whipping your "horsies" with the leather seat belt strap. And they do refer to them as “horsies.”

7) In other Uncle Walt Is Always Watching You infractions…they *can* see you, in the dark, even on the water rides, when you stick your hand into the magic Disney rivers and splash your friends. This will also result in a public loudspeaker chastising.

8) Happily, none of these playful violations results in expulsion from the park, a trip to the naughty chair, or a stay in Disney Jail.
(But how much fun would Disney Jail be?!... Maybe next time. A girl can only dream. )

9) The place is insanely clean. Sweepers with cool hot dog cart like vacuums appeared on Main Street 3 minutes after the end of day Celebration parade to suck up the rainbow colored Mickey confetti that littered the ground. They don’t sell gum. This also means that you don’t see gum on the streets anywhere. I think Disney & Singapore are on to something. Streets and sidewalks look magically new and clean without gum and cigarette butts.

10) It’s a Small World is just as soothing and magical as it was when I was ten.



11) The crowd is interesting and diverse. Princess costumes optional, and of course, sold on site. (The kids XL ones looked potentially wearable, and although tempted, I left empty-handed, unable to find a Tinkerbell one. ) Along with $18 balloons and every imaginable product in your household that they could figure out how to re-brand as Disney.

For those contemplating a visit….

***In 2009, you can get in free on the day of your birthday. You can also get an Express Pass to cut lines. Your friends, however, will all have to pay $72 and wait in lines. But it was definitely worth it. The first week of school seemed to be a good time to go. Lines were all under 30 minutes most of our day, but got a bit longer for everything by late afternoon. A good part of the waiting time turned out to be in the shade, and even in A/C. Go Disney line planning department!

*** Per the staff, it should be packed Labor Day, then die down until Thanksgiving. So those of you with Sept Oct and Nov birthdays, get yourself over to see Mickey and friends pronto. Not sure if they’ll have this birthday thing next year…

***Re: the alcohol thing - You can get your hand stamped and take a 3 minute walk out to Downtown Disney and enjoy a wine or beer with your meal. And the new California Adventure Park does allow adults to drink responsibly. * There is a private place, Club 33, in the New Orleans section of the park that does serve beer and wine, but apparently it has a long wait list (13 years)to become a member. Club 33 Wikipedia

***For the smokers – there are 3 very scenic relaxing clean smoking sections in the park. I had to used them just on principle. If I couldn't drink, I was at least going to smoke. Check your map…one is near Matterhorn, the other by Thunder Mtn Railroad. The other is a bit more hidden and close to the site of our boob-grab incident.

***You can bring water and plastic bottles into the park, but glass is a no-no.


-Princess Rita

Friday One Minute Dance Party - Weeds Flash Mob with Michael Franti and Spearhead - Say Hey (I love You)

If you're a Weeds viewer, this isn't new to you.
And if you're a radio listener (am i the only one left without satellite?), this will no doubt get old soon.
Why is that always the case? We love to overdo it, don't we?
Well, until then, I am going to enjoy this fun song that I still love, and get my ass up off the couch for a few minutes and dance in the sweet summer sunshine.
Please feel free to do the same.
Happy Friday!

in its fabulous entirety...(EDIT: sorry, they disabled the embed request, so you have to go to youtube to watch it...just a click away)


From Weeds, for the cable-ly challenged...

Why I love California # 83 - Cougar Acceptance

We are not only overpopulated with Cougars, we are now holding contests for them. The official press release for this weekend's event at the local racetrack was actually titled "Cougar Alert."

Del Mar racetrack holds contest for Miss Cougar

NEWS IN BRIEF OF COUNTYWIDE INTEREST 2:00 a.m. August 3, 2009

Women who consider themselves “cougars” are invited to apply for the crown of Miss Cougar Del Mar 2009.

The Del Mar Thoroughbred Club, which operates the horse races, announced the new contest to promote the Cougar II Handicap, the longest race of the seven-week meet at 1.5 miles.

“Del Mar won't hide that the seaside track is known for attracting cougars of all kinds,” the club said in a statement announcing the contest. “The mature ladies on the prowl have come to be a staple element of Del Mar's charm.”

To apply, submit a photo, contact information and one sentence describing qualifications to be crowned Miss Cougar to misscougar@dmtc.com by 5 p.m. tomorrow. Photos will be posted on delmarscene.com.

The winner will be announced Wednesday, and will be invited to present the Cougar II Handicap race trophy that afternoon.

The winner will receive four passes for Friday's races. –T.M.

For more details...
http://www.delmarscene.com/press/cougar.alert.doc.htm
http://www3.signonsandiego.com/stories/2009/aug/03/1m3b2briefs233719-short-takes/?uniontrib

Why I Love California # 84 - Everything Really *IS* Super Chill

Ok, so I haven't shared the prior 83 with y'all, but I do have a rough list somewhere. I figure I've been here about 83 weeks so far, and have come up with at least one new reason each week, so I'm starting now with

Why I Love California
Reason #84
Everything Really Is Super Chill
The people, the dogs, the attitudes, even, as I recently learned..... THE COURT SYSTEM!!!
Check out the starred section from my recent jury duty letter.
Just show up whenever, dude.

(Click to make larger. Then click back button on browser to return. )

How to Fix Runner's Knee aka Patellofemoral Syndrome

(Medical / knee school handouts are below)

A few months ago my knee started hurting worse than it ever had before. Then one day I woke up and tried to go down the stairs, but with a leg locked straight and a good amount of stabbing pain, it just wasn't happening.
I tried to R-I-C-E my way through it for a few weeks, figuring my joints were just getting rusty, as I am no longer in my teens. Ok, or twenties.
And then I got on a plane.
About an hour after takeoff, I started feeling this burning sensation that built up until I thought my knee might explode. I drank and fidgeted and massaged my way through the flight, then hobbled through the Houston airport to get to the nearest bar to wait for my connection, crying over the fact that I had to get on *another* plane and have my knee try to explode again.
I was seconds away from getting on the disabled and fat people cart for a pain free ride to the gate, but my pride held on strong.

So when I got home, I decided it was time to seek official medical attention. I knew I hadn't ripped anything, or I wouldn't be able to walk, right? So I did what any rational person would do. I logged onto WebMD and self diagnosed myself. I came up with no less than 7 potential conditions, 5 of which require surgery. But when I saw a real live doctor, he knew right away...Runner's Knee.
I still get a kick out of this because it implies that I am some sort of athlete. Occasional Jogger's Knee might be more appropriate.
It's nothing super serious. It just basically means you have a muscle imbalance around your knee, and they push and pull and give you pain and popping. In most runner's cases, the quads get too strong, so you need to build up the hamstrings, and inner and outer thigh muscles.
I've spent a small fortune on physical therapy (aka knee school) over the past few months, and decided it might be nice to share the exercises and save you some cash. Most of them are just basic stretches, but if you do them everyday, the pain does subside, and you can get to using small ankle weights in a few weeks.
I still haven't run again yet. It's been about 3 months. I'm now up to "brisk walk", but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyhow, if you are having knee pain, go see a sports medicine doctor. I claim no responsibility for any injury you had, have , or may have as a result of these exercises. You need to get your strength tested to figure out which muscles you need to strengthen and which to lay off.

In general - avoid squats, especially with a weight bar, and stay away from that seated quad leg extension machine. I was warned to stay away from the elliptical and bikes as well. So I tried them both. You *should* probably stay off the elliptical. Very rough on the quads. Bike riding has been hit or miss, but a 15 minute ride, then a rest, then a ride home seems to be having no negative effects, as long as I don't start with pain.

For the exercises - start with the stretches on page 1 below. Do 3 sets of each, holding 30 seconds. If you feel pain, STOP!
Then move onto the laying down leg lifts. For the first week or two, don't use any weights. Just do the reps very slowly and focus on form. As you feel your legs getting stronger, add 1 then 3 pound ankle weights.

If you have access to a Pilates Reformer type machine (aka The Shuttle at knee school), you should be able to do Leg Lowering, Leg Circles (both ways), and Leg presses after about 2 weeks. Highly recommended. Those machines rock, and got my abs in better shape as well.

I'm very excited that you can actually fix this thing with a few simple stretches. Had no idea how much I'd actually miss running. And the exercises are simple enough that you can just lay on the floor and do them while watching tv. The other good news is that after about 3 weeks of these stretches, your legs really start to look pretty fantastic. It's a good well rounded warm-up that you'd better get used to, because to prevent runner's knee from coming back again, you're going to need to keep up with these exercises.
Happy Healing!

(Click blurry stretching man page below, print, then click back to this blog and repeat for page 2. Additional 4 page handout from the MD is below)




Also - Ice is your friend. It makes me squirm and I'm not a fan of how my knee feels immediately afterward (even the frozen food section at the grocery store makes my knee hurt), but the medical people keep insisting I ice it when done with stretches or exercise. I think it does help. I'm just a baby that doesn't like cold.

You & Your Runner's Knee - The Medical Handout

Did this help?! Comments and other tips welcome!...

You Learn Something New Everyday

I learned a few new things this week and thought I'd pass them along...

-That new Ped Egg thing is great. But if you push too hard, it makes your toes bleed.
- You can get drunk really quickly from 1/2 glass of wine if you have been fasting and had blood drawn.
- Those fancy Triple Blade Razors? Well, when you reach into a bag and come out with one of them stuck to your finger, it leaves a nice deep Triple Blade Cut.
- If you hop on the line at Yogurtland with some of their sample cups, you can try so much free yogurt that you won't be hungry anymore and won't have to buy anything. Haven't been asked to leave yet. But am curiously wondering where that oversampling threshold lies. Maybe Costco sells those sample cups in bulk...
- There are enough tanning salons and yoga places in the San Diego area, that you can get free tanning and yoga for a good month or two if you play your coupons right.
- Tanning Salons have gotten MUCH fancier since the 90's. The beds are like colorful little rocketships with lots of fans and speakers built right in. (Remember trying to put the fan in the right spot on the floor so it blew through that little crack in the bed, giving you a hint of light wind occasionally?) And when you walk in, they have this fancy Fort Knox-like technology where you give them your fingerprint. (I know this is California, but seriously, Who steals tans?)
- Gold's Gym is not just for muscleheads anymore. Yours truly is now an official member. So watch the mail for your tickets to the Gun Show.
- After a year and a half-ish in San Diego, I now officially know how to get to Sea World. So book those flights now, east coasters. (I hear LegoLand is around here somewhere, too...)
- I just saw a commercial for a website called, no joke, ...Online Booty Call.com What has this world come to?
- You still cannot give a belly fart to a dog.

What Happens In Vegas

Unfortunately, I re-learned the hard way, again, and would like to remind you that:
a) 30 something bodies cannot rage or recover as well as 20 something bodies
b) 2 nights in Vegas is PLENTY
c) you have a much better time if you know someone - the lines are REALLY long, especially at XS at the Wynn, and especially on holiday weekends
d) Not to be a party pooper, but... you should stick to well lighted crowded areas, with buddies - our friend stumbled into a crime scene in the Hard Rock parking garage. I'll spare the details, but there was full on blood cleanup involved. And the words "multiple homicide".



The handsome boyfriend & I headed to Sin City for my 34th this past Memorial Day weekend and I might still fail at a sobriety checkpoint. We stayed at The Palazzo suites at The Venetian, which was a beautiful place with huge rooms and lots of flat screens. Highly recommend it, although I think they were experiencing a dish shortage, as they were a bit pushy and constantly knocking to ask if we had our room service trays ready to return. If you go there - The Tao Beach Pool is small packed and like a spring break crowd. Head over to the Azure Pool, and say hi to the hostess, Marcia from last season's Rock of Love Bus. You'll spend *way* too much cash for a poolside bed, but can enjoy great overpriced Wolfgang Puck food and drinks while you lounge.

We got to see my other boyfriends from New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, at the Joint at the Hard Rock. Fantastic show - they started dressed as robots singing Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor. A lot of new stuff, and classics like Business Time. Can I count them as one on my Fab Five Fave list?


If anyone wants to get those last few pesky pounds off before summer, I highly recommend the Vegas Diet. We lost approximately 2 lbs per day.

Once again, I ended up at the Vegas airport checking into an earlier flight than planned.
But at least Southwest didn't lose our luggage.
And a nice big fat Bite Me to Continental Airlines, who still have not found the boyfriend's Costa luggage. Virgin America Baby! Here I come!

Other weekly highlights:

Quote of the week - AK at my birthday wine party, when asked if she was hungover after a very late drinkful Sunday night..." Not at all, I danced my hangover off."

Favorite Chinglish Signs, from my B-day present book from ehlen:
On an Escalator:
Keep Your Legs. No Running.

On A Trash Can Near ATM:
Please Don't Dump Your Receipt and Keep It Carefully To Avoid Gangster Get Your Information.

I Dig Swiffering, and other thoughts

I got a new Swiffer recently. Hadn't swiffered in over a year and forgot how much I really enjoy it. It's not quite as intense as a workout, or even a yoga class, more like a mild soothing stretch. But one where your floors end up clean in the end, and I'm all for two birds with one stone.
If you've never swiffered before, they have a dry version and a wet version, but both work on the same lightweight stick. I personally go for the dry then wet combo. But sometimes I find the dry-dry-wet combo even more effective. And for floors that have been neglected a bit, you may need the heavy duty dry-dry-wet-wet combo.

Have you been following this space shuttle drama? Very exciting stuff. Apparently, the Hubble telescope is old and broken and we sent up some astronauts to fix it. But there is a 1 in 220 chance they'll get hit with space debris and get stranded. Then we'll have to send up Another space shuttle to rescue them via spacewalk. And if that isn't exciting enough....then they'll have to set a self destruct code on the broken space shuttle and blow it up. Leaving more space debris behind to hit them next time they go fix Hubble.
Maybe I'll send NASA some swiffers.

In lighter news, this week on tv I watched Tyra say sometimes you need to have an "outer" body experience. It reminded me of a certain verbally challenged friend I have. And then Ramona on NYC Housewives tried to say "kudos" (I think) and she enthusiastically said "kadoos" to us. And speaking of NYC Housewives, is it me or is this Kelly chick completely loony? Either she is boozing it up a bit or has some memory or personality disorder.

As for world news, I have to say that I am kind of excited that there are still pirates out there. I feel bad for the people whose ships they hijack. But pirates in 2009 is pretty cool if you ask me.

In you learn something new everyday news....
Did you know that you can't give a belly fart to a dog?
I was very disappointed. It makes a warm swell, and the dog looks at you funny, but the fur muffles any intended sound.

Happy Friday! One Minute Dance Party with Madcon

This song is stuck in my head at the moment so now I'm sticking it in your head. Happy Friday!

Costa RRRRRRRita

So I've been a blog slacker lately. After tax season ended, the handsome boyfriend & I joined a few others in Playa Avellanas, near Tamarindo in Costa Rica for a week. It was beautiful and jungly and hot and somewhere in between 2nd and 3rd world, and I loved the slow pace of life and lack of phone and internet connectivity. And accidentally repeatedly calling their money Cojones instead of Colones.

If you're planning to visit, don't even think of going without a 4WD vehicle...they have a very loose definition of the word "road" down there.
I'd also avoid the next few months, as rainy season is about to hit.
And Continental. They are not so good with the luggage checking thing. His still hasn't turned up. And the "customer service" we received involved being lied to multiple times, and then hung up on. Thanks to the generous Geneva Convention, the limit for lost international luggage is a whopping $640. Luckily, guys don't need much more than a bathing suit, some flip flops, and sunscreen to make it through the week. He was a real trooper about it, although I think he was secretly lamenting the loss of his bag of protein powder. (Not readily available in the jungle)

Aside from the amazing waves, tasty food, and ziplining, we saw monkeys!! All over the place. They lived up to their name, and howled like wolves in the woods. Check out this baby one jumping through the trees.


Stay tuned for future post of the letter to Continental, sharing our feelings about the lost luggage experience. I may need some help from my gals Kelly "Sometimes I like to write letters", Amy "that must be some amazing elevator", and Jackie "free stay at the 4 Seasons" as I am thinking they should compensate us with something like Elite Status for Life and No Checked Bag Fees.

Sometimes I Like to Write Letters # 2

Jerk Hammering

The Dance of the Sunset Palms

Am hitting the home stretch with tax season, and needed a few relaxing minutes today, away from tax forms. While watching the sunset out the window, I thought the palm trees were dancing to the music we had playing. Check them out...




Happy April 15th! Go pay your taxes already.

Older, and slightly More Flammable: Thank You Therma-Care Heat Wraps

I like to read warning labels and fine print on boxes. The things they are required to print on them these days cracks me up. Like nut warnings on packages of nuts. Today I was reading the Therma Care Heat Wraps box. (Shameless product pitch - if you have not tried them for cramps and aches, you are missing out. They're like ski boot warmie packs but with velcro to wrap around you and make you feel soothing heated love)
On the back of the box it reads:
55 OR OLDER: YOUR RISK OF BURNING INCREASES AS YOU AGE. IF YOU ARE 55 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER, WEAR THERMACARE OVER A LAYER OF CLOTHING, NOT DIRECTLY AGAINST YOUR SKIN...

I was not at all aware of this. But apparently, we are all getting slightly more flammable with age.

Easter Egg Magic with Silk Ties and Scarves - Get in Touch with your Inner Martha Stewart this Weekend

If you've never tried dyeing Easter eggs with men's neckties before, then get yourself down to the local thrift shop and recycle a few, or do some closet raiding. (Make sure they're real silk though. Polyester & cotton ones won't work. The tackier the pattern, the better....purples and pinks work great. Yellows, not so much)

I learned this from some woman on the martha stewart show a few years ago and have been doing them ever since. The tie patterns transfer to the eggs in trippy abstract patterns, and no two are ever identical. Don't expect perfection - sometimes you'll get whole chunks of the pattern, other times, just some warpy blurs. And you may want to open the kitchen window when you cook these babies up...the vinegar and dye stinks the place up a bit.

Here are some photos from this year's batch:

Instructions are here:
http://www.marthastewart.com/article/silk-tie-easter-eggs

Friday One Minute Dance Party with Pink and Bimbo Jones

It's Friday! It's gorgeous out! And I'm almost done with taxes! And exclamation points. In keeping with my Brooklyn / Amy / Ellen inspired tradition, it's time for the daily one minute dance party.

This Bimbo Jones remix of Pink's Sober makes me get up off my lazy tax returning ass. And it's also a great boxing workout song. So put up your dukes and celebrate Friday with Pink, Bimbo Jones, and a minute of dancing.

Interesting Tax Form Lines

Each time I prepare a new tax return, I come across new and interesting lines that have made their way onto our tax forms, usually via some new government program / rebate / assistance package. If you haven't read through a 1040, or other tax form...they can get quite technical, and require you to jump through mathematical loops as you go from line to line. The additions of these little lines just crack me up and make me have to go back and start my math over.

For example- Line 42 -
"If Line 38 is over $119,975 or you provided housing to a Midwest displaced individual, see instructions. Otherwise, multiply 3500 by the number of exemptions on Line 6d. "
I guess we should have all been housing midwesterners for tax breaks this past year. Who knew. But I bet i can find some nice deductions with those Meth Lab startup costs.

There is also an actual question that says...
"Was the business located in a Qualified Disaster Area? "
I am wondering where to get this qualification form, as my office might qualify on most days.

Some lines just make me say "Huh?"...Line 60 - K
"Additional tax on recapture of a charitable contribution deduction relating to the contribution of a fractional interest in tangible personal property."
All I get from this is that someone got in trouble for overstating some donation and now we have an extra line cluttering up our tax forms.

One thing that really annoyed me to learn...You know how they preach that student loan interest is tax deductible? Well, it is. Kind of. Until your salary hits $70,000. Then the IRS thinks you make too much money and you can't deduct loan interest. Bet they don't mention that when you fill out the loan applications.

(Skip this paragraph if it does not affect you, it's a bit technical and I needed to vent)
And that new 2008 First Time Homebuyer Credit?
It's not really free money, folks. You get up to $7500 this year, but then have to pay it back at $500 / year, starting in 2 years. So be prepared for a slight bump up in your tax bill then, and for the next 15 years.
*** A note - If you bought between 4/8/08 and 1/1/09, you got screwed. You have to pay your "credit" back, while those who bought from 1/1/09 to 12/1/09 don't have to, and they get $8k.
Also - this lovely plan starts to phase out for Singles making $75,000 and couples making $150,000. And you aren't even eligible if you're single making over $95 or a couple making over $170 .
When are they going to get in touch with reality and set some normal limits?

One thing that made me happy is that there is now an expanded section for Civil Unions and Domestic Partnerships. Some states are allowing couples to file jointly, but the IRS / Federal Government is still making people file separate federal returns. Dipshits.

Ok, back to tax returns. Hitting the home stretch now...

A Belated Happy St Patrick's Day Wish. "It Could Be A Crackhead..."

Since I was in the boonies in wine country with about 6 seconds of total wi-fi connectivity in a week, I missed my long awaited St. Patrick's Day post. But I met some great new classmates in Napa (see above photo).
So here is one of my all time favorite clips, which I, and you too, have probably seen a gazillion times. But if it ever fails to make me laugh, just shoot me.
Have you ever seen a sexier, more charming gold front smirk?