You say White Elephant, I say Cutthroat Pollyanna.

Sadly, I will be missing the annual festivities back east this year, and will not have the opportunity to outdo last year's contribution of the re-gifted ultra-lovely sheer accordion sleeved ruffled pirate's / poet's blouse. But on the bright side- Heather, you can continue to rock it for one more year. (I know, I'm too kind. ) And I won't be offended if you want to spread the fashion love and re-regift it.

Before I head west, I have a confession to make- I had to cheat on the group this year. I needed my holiday fix, and got to play a few weeks ago at Bryan & Carol's in SD. Cocky me I thought I had the Star Wars Monopoly game in the bag, and tried to hide it, but it was stolen from me at the last minute. Luckily, I came home not only with flashing holiday socks, but also some fabulous faux-flannel Homer Simpson Holiday boxers.

The bird in this photo was my favorite gift, which I would like to offer to the NJ-NYC-PA crowd as my long distance contribution for this year. I am sure this timeless classic would look beautiful in any room of your house.

Happy New Year! From Me & Petey the Parrot

How the hell did I miss this story??? A Horsey Tale

"sometimes, you just want to feel a horses balls... and you know what? ...they're warm"

Holiday blog to follow, but in the meantime, a nasty little barnyard incident from the summer of 2005 that I somehow only heard about for the first time today. It's just so wrong.
Heads up- videos probably not office appropriate. But I guess that depends on where you work.

The news coverage...

Some interesting tidbits from the news articles about the incident in 2005
*Washington is one of 17 states that does not outlaw bestiality. (Note- it has since been banned)
*The Seattle man's relatives said yesterday they never suspected he was involved in bestiality. They said they were surprised when they learned he had purchased a Thoroughbred stallion earlier this year.
*It was only after Pinyan died, when law enforcement looked for one way to punish his associates, that the legality of bestiality in Washington State became an issue. The prosecutor's office wanted to charge Tait with animal abuse, but the police found no evidence of abused animals on the many videotapes they collected from his home. As there was no law against humanely fucking one horse, the prosecutors could only charge Tait with trespassing.

Has anyone seen this movie? It was at Sundance in 2007...


Full wikipedia story... click here

Favorite Australian Signs and Street Art - Sydney and Byron Bay

So I have this thing with signs. Here are some of my favorites from my recent Australia trip.

I was a little timid opening the gate from my hotel. I pictured trains zooming up and down the beach. And were they going to come in the gate if I didn't close it? It was too much to process. I just wanted to get to the beach.

In reality, it was an abandoned sand filled railway track.

Trains sadly no longer go to Byron Bay. They turned the train station into a bar and tourist office.


these feet signs creeped me out. like little kafka-esque villain creatures that come out at night and chase you in the crosswalks...

Hey, you, stop! Where are you going? Who's going to drive the bus?

Don't Even Think of Stopping Here. It's the Mail Zone.

Not exactly where I wanted to be. But am curious how they settled on those particular dates...

They look like they are having a good, but slow time to me.

For the tourists...

I love Australia.
Don't US park signs say "Keep off the grass" ?...

They wouldn't have sprung for the sign if it hadn't happened before...

I think these people have been delicately frolicking across streets since the 1950's...

No Bombing caught my attention, But I like the Shallow Water Guy Best

And some interesting Street Art

My favorite...

And fun at the local t shirt store

That's all for now...will get to part II another day. There is a classic one from Cairns. Stay tuned.

How did I forget about Shawn's taco?! Favorite Clips I (a)

When I did the clip post I had this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something.
And I sure was, boys and girls.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson's taco.
This is so wrong.

Karma's Court Apperance

O.J. gets at least 9 years for armed hotel robbery

Amen.

Favorite Clips I

Since I have plenty of free time today, I am trying to get my shit together. It's a lifelong process that I chip away at, one hour at a time. I decided it was about time to figure out how to embed videos into this little blog here. Always meant to get these in the same place so I could crack myself up whenever the urge struck.

File under: see you in hell and we'll have plenty of good laughs together



many of you may have seen the leaked britney dance rehearsal for "mannequin". but have you seen *this* leaked dance rehearsal? i think the set totally makes the performance have an authentic hollywood impact...



for KG and JB, a flashback from perugia
for the rest of you, an odd performance and song we kept hearing from someone (not sure if man or woman, jury still out) while in italy



i just love this kid. took a moment to figure out what he was saying, but i think he's just so damn adorable. and i love that this commercial actually ran.



i was going to save this for my sound factory flashback post, but it was in the grey area, so i'll put it here... Don't you just love a good dance off? Brings me back to Love is a Battlefield.
The pirouettes and leaping splits definitely impressed me, but the Run DMC & Jam Master Jay part moves really took it to another level. I tried it, but skidded my nose pretty good on the carpet. Am going to leave those moves to the pros. (give it some time, it picks up about minute 1, then goes into full dance off mode at minute 2)



and in closing, a tribute to my old hometown... and the reason i was always late(r) for work when I worked in midtown...have any of you seen lorenzo la roc the electric violin guy perform? he always made me stop in my tracks. i searched for a good live performance video clip, and unfortunately this one cuts out, but you get the jist.
the whole song is here if you're interested..
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s21_SmWGUFY



i'll have to save the leprechaun in mobile for st patrick's day...Who all seen the leprechaun say yeah!

Mental Jukebox...or should i say Jootbox?

From time to time we all get tormented with songs stuck in our head. I have decided to pass on this annoyance and attempt to get them stuck in your head as well.

The song of this week is Vitamin String Quartet's cover of "Misery Business" by paramore.
When i one day make a movie, this will no doubt be in it. Maybe it will be the only music, I like it that much. Maybe even a silent film. With a passionately tormenting story....




When I went to look for the orchestral video, I found an acoustic version as well. And now that is stuck in my head too. (Sorry about the tool in the beginning... it was the best quality version I could find)



and for all you guitar hero fans, here is the original... i am practicing my air guitar for our next rendezvous.

Cal Worthington, My New Hero

So I've been seeing this commercial for Cal Worthington's Used Car Lot in Carlsbad for about a year now, but I think tonight was the first time I really *listened* to it, and to Cal, a nice grandpa-like figure in a bad blue grey western style suit and a cowboy hat. It was the last line of the commercial that stuck in my head for a few minutes before I realized it was a bit odd...
"Come down and see us at Dodge Headquarters, Worthington Dodge, in the car country mall in Carlsbad, we're open 'til midnight."
Midnight?
Who the hell buys a car at midnight?

Now I've done plenty of odd things in the wee hours. But I've been known to do some routine stuff as well...including laundry, jogging, drunk dialing, grocery shopping, various home improvement projects, accidentally locking myself out in clients' hallways, and getting my car washed. But car shopping at 10 or 11 pm has honestly never crossed my mind.

Then I started thinking about what kind of crowd they get in there at night, and now I am so curious, I think I'm going to have to go there and check it out. Maybe bring those poor salesguys some cookies or a pizza, because they've got to be bored out of their minds by that point in their shift. And the chance to meet a local legend like Cal...definitely worth the short drive.

Kudos to Cal for doing his part to make San Diego a late night city! Since moving out west, I've had a hard time finding a grocery store open past 10, but at least now I know I can go car shopping instead.

Underwater Dive Photographer Career Hopes Dashed

So my dream of a stint as a glamorous tropical scuba photographer came to an abrupt screeching halt this afternoon.
I got my underwater camera photos back.
"Disappointing" would be putting it very mildly.
"Possibly taken by a blind 4 year old" might be a more accurate description.
Aside from 1 or 2 pretty coral shots, I got zilch. Lots of fish profiles swimming away from me in cloudy dark water. (It was CLEAR and BLUE in real life! I don't get it!) And a lot of blur.

Now a true carpenter never blames her tools, but I did use 200 film in a reusable underwater plastic underwater camera. It's a small step up from the garden variety beach disposables, but obviously, she's no fancy pants flash ready digital. (Maybe I can borrow some of JB's old flash cubes and attach them on top...) In a bold move in these rough economic times, I decided to upgrade to 400 film for the next attempt. And I did see them renting digitals on some boats, so maybe I can try those options before turning my back on a lifelong dream. (OK, month long ) Although I have to admit, I am so shaken and crushed, I am tempted to hang up my underwater camera today to avoid future potential letdowns. But what is life without risk? So I will march on...

In my defense, I was so happy to have reached the all important diving milestone of
" I'm not thinking about dying / breathing every 20 seconds", that I decided to venture down with a camera on my 5th dive, perhaps prematurely. I quickly snapped away like a giddy child with a new toy, and think I took all 27 photos in the first 4 minutes. Also, as a novice fish paparazzo, I have yet to develop any successful "point and shoot" method. I just held the camera out in front of me towards the fish, hoped they were somewhere in the frame, and clicked. Which, as demonstrated by the lack of cool fish in my photos, will not be my method on my next dive. Any tips on form and style are much appreciated.

This is my one cool fish photo. ( I auto corrected it online and it warped into funky colors that I happened to dig. Now that I am thinking about this, maybe I do still have future hopes, but as an artsier dive photographer. I can just warp the blurry photos i take into something slightly abstract....)

I thought I was an ass for splurging on some of the overpriced professional photos on the boats, but after seeing my pathetic attempts in living color (ok, murky grey) today, they turned out to be wise purchases indeed.

Guess I'll have to re-think that "Underwater Photos by Yours Truly" 2009 Calendar I was going to make for everyone as a holiday gift.


my one nice brain coral shot



Can You Guess Which Are Mine?! And which were taken by the pros?
















The one good thing that did come out of making the trip to the photo store... I brought them a "mystery camera" that I found in my drawer. Turns out I had some undeveloped film from Railay Bay in Thailand from last March...

Australia trip- New Things I Liked, and Thank Yous

To say it was a great almost month in Australia would be quite an understatement. Not sure where to start so I figured I'd post a list of some of my favorite things that I discovered about the country and then come back and do some destination highlights when I have some more time.

The route, in a nutshell..I started in Sydney, caught up with old friends, headed to Byron Bay for a few days to relax, then flew up to Airlie Beach and the Whitsundays for a week, where I got hooked on diving and made it out to the Great Barrier Reef. Then I flew down to Melbourne to visit Nathan and see the Melbourne Cup (like their Kentucky Derby), and we went over to the Barossa Valley and drank some fabulous wines, then headed back to Melbourne for more races (I noticed that aussies *really* like their gambling...) Then the whole Uluru (Ayers Rock) flight thing didn't work out, so I decided to head up to Cairns for some more diving at the reef, and then back down to Sydney for a final late night. Whew.
I loved every place I visited, and think I could live happily in most of them. So a return trip is already being planned in my head. Have to hit more of the West Coast next time as well. But I think could be a dive photographer on one of those reef boats for a more than a few years before I got bored.

THINGS I LIKED ABOUT AUSTRALIA
(aside from the gorgeous beaches and friendly happy people)

AIRPORTS
-Nobody asked for my ID ONCE on a single flight. Not when you check in. Not at the security line. Not at the gate. You can even walk your friends to the gate to say goodbye without a boarding pass. ( I did get random bomb scan tested twice in nine flights. That seemed on the high side of random to me. But they were quick and friendly, and *they* didn't care about my ID, either. )

-No security line took longer than 5 minutes. They don't make you take your shoes off. And they couldn't give 2 shits about the whole silly liquid restriction thing. Bottles of wine and olive oil?...Bring em on!

- Suitcase over the weight limit? No worries! I wasn't charged for excess baggage on a single flight.
And I am fairly confident that my checked bag didn't make the weight limit on a *single* flight.

- Melbourne Airport had free wine tasting. Enough said.

- They actually discovered this really smart and efficient process where you load the plane from both the front *and* the rear doors. And it only takes about 5 minutes to get everyone on and seated. Ingenious, right? Why can we not do this in the US???
(Probably some crappy excuse involving security and/or budget issues...)

- For some reason, I always get very excited when you get to board the plane by climbing the stairs from outside. I think maybe it makes me feel like I am in the Caribbean. Or possibly like an old classic movie star. Or perhaps an old movie star in the Caribbean.
(Guessing the US has some potential security issues with this at major airports, as I am always tempted to make a run for it and see how long it takes for someone to tackle or shoot me as I dash and roll around on the tarmac, Mission impossible theme song beating in my head...but they let you do it in Australia.)

GADGETS
- They have dual flush toilets! So you don't have to waste too much water for a little #1.

- Boat toilets / signs- it was drilled into our heads by numerous dive boat crews that boat plumbing is smaller and a bit more particular than real house plumbing. My favorite sign read "Do not put anything in the toilet unless you have eaten it first, except toilet paper."

- Electricity Outlets with individual on/off switches for each plug, so you needn't lose sleep over "phantom energy loss" any longer. And you don't have to always unplug all your crap, even if it's near the sink.

-Eucalyptus scented tissues

CULTURE and FOOD
-The whole country shuts down mid-week for the Melbourne Races

- Everyone gets dressed up to go to the races. Instead of cumbersome, hot hats they have these cute little headband things called fascinators. Definitely have to get them to SD for the races next year. Much more comfortable. And more importantly, no unsightly hat head after a day at the races.

Fascinator

Fascinator model, with winning trifecta ticket

- At the races, you can make your bets with the normal track people, or at bookie stands. They have real bookies! I didn't see any knee breaking going on, but for PR's sake, I would think they probably do that on a day other than race day. Quite probably at another location.

- Random people at the airport will give you a free lift back to your hotel, and there's nothing sketchy about it.

- They call Mc Donald's "Mackers." Even in their own tv ads. And the food actually looks decent.

- Burger King's is parading around Australia incognito as "Hungry Jack's." Must have been some strange marketing decision. Anyone know the story here?

- Voting is mandatory

-If there's no massive downpour or snowstorm expected, TV Newscasters simply report the weather as "Fine".

- Dive boat boys.
I am not sure where they breed them, but I'd definitely like to visit, and stay. I did notice a strong kiwi presence, so I will definitely be visiting NZ on my next trip back to those parts.
It really makes your first few dives a lot easier when you have a hand to hold. And even (more) easier when that hand is attached to a delicious looking young man who actually knows what he is doing.

Another fine Aussie marketing campaign...

Well since you put it that way...

-Potato chips are actually decent and not super greasy, and come in fun flavors like Moroccan Lemon Chicken, Honey Soy Chicken (tasted like teriyaki wings) Sour Cream and Chili (personal favorite) and Lime Black Pepper.

- Like in Italy, Arugula is called Rocket. (there is some mis-translation story here that I forget...)
As a huge "Rocket" fan, I was excited to see it on most menus in Australia, and got to eat it several times a week. Usually with pears, parmesan, and balsamic. I still get a kick out of ordering one for some reason, and it always makes me start singing the Elton John song. But I have sadly given up hopes of actually getting one with some sort of little rocket, plastic or food, on top of it. C'mon restaurant guys, step it up and have a sense of humor.

- None of the Cellar Doors (aka Tasting Rooms) in the Barossa Valley wineries charged a tasting fee.

- There are fields of wallabies grazing near Cairns. There are also cockatoos and crazy parrots flying around everywhere. Was nice to see them fly free. But the novelty did wear off a bit...they are very loud. And up very early. And the bats were just plain creepy.

In closing, I would like to thank
- the good folks at lastminute.com.au for consistently finding me 5 star hotel rooms at 2 star rates
- the shangri la hotel chain, who correctly realize that a) check out time should be at least noon, not this 10 or 11 am nonsense and b) room service should be, and is, available 24 hours.
- the mothers and fathers of australia and new zealand, for putting their handsome fun sons in my path. and the dive boat managers who had the foresight to hire them and put them in wetsuits and let them hold my hand if i claimed to feel a little nervous.

- the US dollar for holding strong during my trip (the aussie dollar tanked from about a 1:1 ratio this summer to about 60-65 cents for an aussie dollar in october)
- the major australian airlines for their super cheap flights, and for letting my excess baggage slide without fees. And the airports and security staff that let me waltz through the screening process, wearing shoes, carrying liquids and no ID.
- united airlines, for that extra 5 inches of legroom. and the pilots along the way for all the smooth landings.
- the wineries of the barossa valley for maintaining my BAC where it should be while on holiday (HBAC)

-the people at The Alcolizer for making their fun bar toy machine to confirm appropriate holiday BAC (HBAC)

-the great barrier reef for being so damn amazing
- jacques cousteau for his vision, and for the whole SCUBA thing

- the dive instructors who made sure I didn't die (zeke, harry, janeen, tash, and marcus- i am eternally grateful)

- friends old and new who helped make this a great trip, especially at times when i wished some of the girls were with me.
and who promptly put me in a cab when i needed to get home.
- my iphone- which functioned as everything from my camera, to my navigator, to the beach dj, to my overeager office assistant who accidentally sent out 10 copies of each email for several weeks. ok maybe not for that, but at&t promised we can work some type of credit out...and thanks to those who beared with the duplicate email situation.
i tried to go low tech this trip...left my laptop, and rarely blowdried, but i don't know what i would've done without my little iphone. almost a year, haven't broken or lost him yet.
...and most importantly, for the i phone's ability to set multiple alarms.
Anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that me & 630 AM don't often go together, unless i happen to be up from the night before.
Most of my dive boats left around 730-8am. And i have been known to sleep right through wake up calls. But, set four diferent alarms five minutes apart and i think we're on to something.
Call the guinness book people and send them over to SD...i think i was up before 730am over 15 times in the past month. However, as a side effect, I've developed this annoying habit of waking up around 8 am in a panic that I'm late for something. It really needs to stop.

-the rainbow gods for putting a rainbow over sydney harbor at a time when i was actually in my room to see it from above
- the waitress in my cairns hotel bar who told me about the redken fresh curls line (shameless product pitch of the week # 1 here) ...good stuff!
- the kind folks at at&t who notified me that if i didn't upgrade my international plan, i'd have a $650 phone bill waiting for me back home. and for retroactively upgrading it for me, avoiding the stress of one angry phone call.
- samsonite, for making such sturdy luggage, and adding that extra zipper to make them expand those essential 2 inches on the way home
- the non detail oriented people at the san fran rental car company for not noticing the flashing light on the dashboard or minor tire damage that i really honestly didn't do, the one time i actually waived the insurance on a rental car. you gotta live on the edge sometimes.